Funny

So, I sit here....on a weightloss mission...blogging with a coke and a bite of cookie dough=) I am really on track today. Funny thing happened this afternoon/evening. Allie got in my car after school and was really upset saying that she had really been itching...on her butt actually...and her legs. I said ok, as I drove on being distracted by three other children in the car, all making noises at the same time. I got home, after a fun trip with four kids to walmart and started making dinner. She wondered off with the gameboy...then it was time for me to leave for school. I drove to school, for a test actually. We got there and were all sitting there waiting on our teacher. He's never late. Finally 15 minutes in...one of the girls checks webmail...sure enough, late in the afternoon he sent an email that class was cancelled. I drove home and made it in time to feed my kids dinner and get everyone tucked into bed. Allie started telling me she was itching again. I followed her to the bathroom and was shocked to see little red pimple looking bumps all over her body...her feet, legs, butt, tummy, arms, shoulders, neck, face, and mouth! We instantly looked up chicken pox. Too be completely honest...I'm not sure she's had the vaccine. I know Bella has...not sure about Allie or Emma. So, I gave her a bath and let her lay in my bed a while=) Not sure what it is....potentially the dreaded chicken pox. I guess the morning will tell...if the bumps have changed to blisters. Maybe its just a virus. But, the poor kid missed her first field trip thanks to strep throat and tomm is her halloween party and of course trick or treating. If things aren't obvious come morning...back to the doctor we will go. Gotta love kids and their sickness!!! Goodnight All!!!

On a brighter note....

Here's the light in my life!!! I adore them!

Defeated

So, i'm up and its 2:23 in the morning. Besides feeling sick...which I am, I am struggling today with guilt in my life. That is something that I have REALLY battled in my past and overcome and I don't want to go back to. I find myself actually feeling a little panicky about it and what does this mean about my faith and my place in my journey. And then, I pray and God reminds me that my sin is gone and that the guilt should be too. I don't want to feel guilty and I want to stand strong in my belief that I am forgiven. But, life is so painful for me when I see people suffering that want something so bad that they can't have. I gave up something people struggle their whole lives and never get the joy of experiencing and for me that is so painful. I think my sensitivity to this is going to be in my ministry somewhere, but for right now...I need to have power over it. I need to feel compassion without feeling broken and defeated. I know I'm not defeated...but sometimes I definitely feel that way. I am thrilled that I have an outlet and am thrilled that I am writing on here. Its therapeutic and I think in some sense it might make me accountable. Lord, Please help me to continuously forgive myself and know that you will direct my hurt for others in a way that will show Your love.

SICKNESS

This entry is full of me whining about my life, so if you don't like to hear whining...don't read it!Ok, so my children have been sick going on three weeks now. Actually, almost three and a half! It started as strep throat and by the end of the first week, all FOUR of my children had it. Then, after antibiotics were up....it was back and we had to take them back into the doctor...for more antibiotics. Then, last saturday, we thought Bella was having strep issues again, (she was), but she also had hand, foot, and mouth disease, on top of another positive strep test. This was AWFUL. She had about twenty sore's in her mouth and didn't eat, or drink really, for days. She lost 4 pounds. It really was a nightmare! On a good note,we think she is starting to do so much better. Next, Allie gets home from school this past thursday and is a little funky. She tells me she doesn't feel well. But, she also was really grossed out b/c a little girl in her class threw up at school. Allie is petrified of throwing up...for herself or anyone else. She didn't eat her lunch on thursday b/c her lunch box was in the classroom and Carly(the sick girl) was also in the class room. SO, of course, b/c of that her lunchbox and its contents have throw up germs. The kid literally chose not to eat all day because of this. So, I thought her feeling bad was in her head. We assured her she is fine and sent her to bed that night. Besides, by now I am in complete rebelllion and am POSITIVE that there is so way that we will actually get a stomach virus in our house after two full weeks of constant strep. Then, I am awakened at 3 am by my sweet little germ freak and she IS throwing up!!! The kid got the germs after denying herself food all day. Are you kidding me right now??? How could we possibly have this much sickness going on in our house. So, I made the lovely phone call for the thousandth time in two weeks to report her absence to the office at school. And I went ahead and kept Emma home. I was up all night with Allie. I wasn't about to load my kids in my car to get Emma to preschool. We spent all of friday watching her sleep and throw up. Then, today comes and she is still pretty sick, but not throwing up anymore. Just having a fever and hurting all over. Then, she also lets me know that her throat is killing her. I look in her mouth...it still looks pretty gross. Then, my lovely husband comes in and tells me that his throat is hurting him too...I check his and its pretty equally gross. I send them, together, to the urgent care and they come home with a negative strep test and no hope for me. The doctor there has no idea about this crazy strep we have going on. We've had negative tests...only to go back in two days and get a positive one. Plus every time we go to the doctor, (each kids has been at lesat twice...some three times, and now Alex has been once), its cost me $15 each! Plus, prescriptions..(each kid has been on two...plus a magic mouthwash=)) its been an average of about $25! We are broke. We really are. By this evening...my husband and my sweet daughter have been in bed and are both pretty miserable. I went into my bed to check on Allie and found my sweet girl with a washcloth on her face and I had to take a picture! She's too cute! She was sound asleep like this. Please pray that this will come to an end VERY VERY soon and that noone else will have strep, hand, foot, and mouth, or the stomach virus. I am broke and SO TIRED!!! And tired of doing laundry and buying new toothbrushes to control the germs!!!

Redemption

I was speaking with a friend a few months ago about my past mistakes, hurts, and lessons learned. I was sharing with her the importance I feel that shared experience has on the impacting of young lives. I was basically telling her how I feel like teenagers need to be educated not only on the effects of your choices on short term consequences, but also on the long term ones.
I gave my testimony at a ladies retreat for my old church in Illinois. I stood in front of ninety-five women and poured my garbage out before them and talked about the grace and forgiveness I have found on my disastrous path. It was empowering and I really wanted to put myself out there to help people. However, I would later come to realize that the retreat and my testimony was more healing for me than it could have probably ever been for anybody else. It truly freed me. The truth about my life was no longer hidden in the depths of my shame. I was encouraged, but this did not give me the fullfillment of my passion I was seeking to obtain. I knew that there had to be more.
After praying and searching my heart, I realized that my passion lies in the hearts of young broken teenagers. Girls that are either at a fork in the road and need to make a choice, or the ones that have already made the choice and are broken for it. I would love to help shape the life of a young girl toward the better, by allowing myself to be vulnerable before her. My mistakes are shameful and they are something that I have hidden for quite some time. But, I finally feel myself coming full circle. I want to tell my story to show teenagers that their choices can impact their lives more than they can ever comprehend. I want to lead them through my broken journey.
I also really want to be there for the young girl that has already made bad and hurtful choices and show her that it's never to late to change your lifestyle and choose purity. Too many times I think that teenage girls think that they are already tainted and they continue on down a path of self destruction and devastation.
A couple of weeks ago I was talking with a different friend about how I go about sharing my life with young people. I was asking him...where do I start? He is a youth pastor at a church in North Carolina. The timing was a coincedence. He was reading an article on teen pregnancy and had just spoken with one of the other youth leaders about their girls retreats.
He has connected me with these ladies and I am now working on the possibility of sharing my life with a large group of high school and junior high girls in february. I pray that these girls will be receptive towards what I have to say and that they will be able to see at least a small part of themselves in where I have come from. I feel as though the redemption of my CHOSEN tragedy has finally begun!!!

Here Goes!

Well, I did it. I created my own blog. I have been journaling during my english class and actually loving it. Then, I decided....I should start blogging. I will put myself out there for anyone who's interested! Stay tuned!