Defeated

So, i'm up and its 2:23 in the morning. Besides feeling sick...which I am, I am struggling today with guilt in my life. That is something that I have REALLY battled in my past and overcome and I don't want to go back to. I find myself actually feeling a little panicky about it and what does this mean about my faith and my place in my journey. And then, I pray and God reminds me that my sin is gone and that the guilt should be too. I don't want to feel guilty and I want to stand strong in my belief that I am forgiven. But, life is so painful for me when I see people suffering that want something so bad that they can't have. I gave up something people struggle their whole lives and never get the joy of experiencing and for me that is so painful. I think my sensitivity to this is going to be in my ministry somewhere, but for right now...I need to have power over it. I need to feel compassion without feeling broken and defeated. I know I'm not defeated...but sometimes I definitely feel that way. I am thrilled that I have an outlet and am thrilled that I am writing on here. Its therapeutic and I think in some sense it might make me accountable. Lord, Please help me to continuously forgive myself and know that you will direct my hurt for others in a way that will show Your love.