Homesick

So, tonight i'm a little blog happy...well picture happy anyway! I was just sitting here being very saddened by life. I think its so comical how sometimes we wish for things...and then we actually get it. Looking back on my wishes...were they all everything they were thought to be? I definitely think we did the right thing moving...am I happy in this moment, not so much. But, I do feel peace, that for some crazy reason we are where living on the map in the right general area. Lately though, my heart has been LONGING, yes I do mean longing, for the relationships that we had in Illinois. I think Alex has been feeling the same way on some level. We have such precious friends and I miss them more than life itself. Honestly, my heart aches to wrap my arms around some of the precious people that we love there. I can honestly say, even with 12 hours separating us, our friendships will never grow distant. They mean that much to me...working at it no matter how hard it gets. These awesome families have buried themselves deep within my heart. I love you all...please know that!!! I'm done crying now...its midnight and I'm going to try to get in bed while my cold stricken son is sleeping! On a final note...Just take a look at this love!

Memories

So, one of my husband's closest friend's has really developed an interest in photography. Everytime we are with him he spends his time love and photographing our family! We love Chilin and Michelle so much. There friendship means so much to us and now his pictures are some of my favorite of my babies! There's alot..I couldn't narrow it down. Enjoy!

Not Me! Monday!

So! If you haven't been over to check out Mckmama's blog...you NEED to. Her life is right in the middle of a miracle right now. She has a precious, healthy baby boy, that was diagnosed to die in her womb. She followed her heart and the Lord's leading and believed in her miracle. She now has a very healthy five week old baby whose heart is so strong and has yet to show one threat of any kidof failure! She is giving God all the glory for her precious little MckMiracle! She also has three other children and is absolutely hilarious!
She has started Not Me! Monday's as free therapy for people across the maps! You blog about your Not Me's and link back to her blog, where you can read everyone else's! Its great, check it out! You can read here in her original post about how it all got started...http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2008/09/not-me-mondaythe-complete-rules.html. You can go to that link or click on the box in my sidebar!
On to my Not Me's!
TODAY, I most certainly did not let my kids go into school late so that I could get thirty minutes of extra sleep and shower while my absolutely handsome, totally destructive man was still in his crib...no Not ME!
This week, I did not take my (dirty) kids to church, without baths, so that we wouldn't be anymore late than we already were...no I would never take dirty kids to church, not me.
I most certainly did not study more information than necessary, while studying for my finals, because of being careless and not looking at my notes correctly, I would never be careless, or waste time, not me.
I did not walk out of Big Lots with my girls, never realizing that Bella was taking a toy phone that we never payed for, because its hers, because everything's hers. I did not notice because my six year old started screaming at the top of her lungs...."Bella's STEALINGGGGGG"! I would never allow that to happen and I would notice of course, because I am completely attentive to my children in public and know at all times what they are doing!
My son did not have to go to bed last night in dirty pajamas, because all of his were dirty and he had nothing clean to put on. I would never let my laundry pile up that high! Not me, i'm a perfect housewife.
I did not miss my baby boy pulling up to stand on his own for the first time, because I was so busy and taking so much time in the bathroom. I am always with my children and never miss a second of their lives.

Wow! This is pretty therapeutic! We better be careful, MckMama might start charging! Tune back in next week to hear about all the awful things that I would NEVER do!!!=)

Dirty shoes

So, i'm addicted to reading blogs and getting small, or sometimes large, glimpses into the lives of other people on this journey called life. I was reading a page of a woman who buried her four year old daughter 9 months ago. She was talking about how when she was sick...she wished more than anything to go back to the days when she was well. Now that she is gone, she would give anything just to go back to whenever. Even those long days and nights of caring for a child with a brain tumor. She had a message from a friend, whose young daughter Isabella is battling leukemia. She was in a store when she overheard a conversation behind her. I read this tonight after having a CRAZY day with my kids. I had math homework to finish today. I missed school all last week to be in Illinois. I had quite a bit to do, and had a test tonight that I was trying to prepare for. My son woke up this morning and decided that he needed his momma today. I spent THE ENTIRE DAY carrying him around while he lay his head on my shoulder. This child is rarely still and ALWAYS wants down from my arms to explore the world around him. I was extremely frustrated and after twenty minutes of him ripping papers and pencils out of my hand, I gave up on homework and turned in what I had completed. When I left for school, he was eating dinner in a very nasty shirt(no bib for him, he screamed until I took it off), the house was a TOTAL disaster from the day, courtesy of Bella Boo!!! To be compltely honest, I hadn't even brushed my teeth=) I did make time to call two friends today...in the middle of preparing meals for my lovely babies! But, tonight, my test was done, homework turned in, house cleaned up, I sat down to take a break at my computer and the Lord revealed to me, my day was one of great joy. Thank you Lord for these precious fleeting moments. They are but a vapor!
Please read this short post and be so thankful for your healthy babies. Life is really short and so unpredictable. I pray I NEVER walk the journey of these faithful warriors. I also pray that while i have my children, healthy in the present that I will spend everyday loving them and being grateful for whatever form of life i'm living in that moment.

Shoes
While shopping for a new pair of summer sandals for Isabella (she has outgrown her other ones since we’ve been here. Actually, she is growing like a weed), I over hear a woman talking about another child’s shoes. She mentions that she wished her kids could keep their shoes so clean. I politely smiled all the while silently thinking, get down on your knees and thank the Lord your children are able to get their shoes dirty. What I wouldn’t give for Isabella’s shoes to be filthy. Why? Because that would mean she could play like normal kids, she could get dirty and not worry about her counts, not worry about potential life-threatening bacteria … just play. Then I realized I needed to get down on my knees and thank the Lord. I know there are countless parents out there who would give anything to have their children’s shoes be “clean” because that would mean they are still here, instead they have been taken from this earth. Cancer changes everything. Even the way you look at shoes.When you finish reading this take a moment and go look at your children's shoes and say a prayer of Thanksgiving for them. For "clean & white" shoes, filthy shoes, outgrown shoes, and to grow into shoes. Give thanks for your children's need for shoes.

A New Chapter

So, this blog hasn't been exactly what I thought it was going to be. I thought I would blog way more than I do. With that being said, lately life for me the has been really hard. Blogging hasn't been one of my priorities. I have really been struggling with some things. First of all...I let guilt creep in. That will be one of my life-long struggles. But, 1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." So, me worry about things I'm already forgiven for is silly and a waste of my time. Anyway....i'm over that for now=)
I have also been having some struggles with my precious hubby. Let me preface this all by saying, I am married to AN INCREDIBLE guy. I really am. He is such a hard worker and works so hard so I can be at home with my kids. He is unbelievably kind to other people. He would never allow my friends, or his for that matter, to know that he was in a bad mood. I never have to feel uncomfortable b/c he's rude to my friends....he makes everyone feel at home when they are with our family. He is an awesome father and takes great care of his kids. He bathes them ALOT...and he tucks them in, more than me actually. He's not out at bars or running around. When he is not working...he's with us. He really is awesome and I don't want anyone to think I am down on him. Life is just hard sometimes. We are struggling with things that lots of married couples struggle with. But, its been very hard for me and I have felt very helpless where alot of our issues are concerned.So, a couple of weeks ago, I was at a friends house and ended up with a free entry to a marriage conference. They paid for our registration and our room at a really nice Mariott in kingsport, about 40 minutes from our house. Honestly, I was really excited to go. It is a christian conference, called a Weekend to Remember. I was so excited for the chance to be away with my husband, with no distraction, and to learn ways to continue building a strong marriage that lasts. I felt like God was throwing us a life raft.
I met him there on friday night and we got home this afternoon about 2. The weekend was great. Being alone with him was awesome. We reconnected...something that has needed to happen for a very long time. We also learned alot. We spent lots of time talking...which I love to do, especially with him. We had homebuilding projects that we completed alone in our room. We answered questions separately, then discussed them together when we were done. It opened up alot of conversation for us, which we REALLY needed. There was alot of information given to us this weekend, but here are the things that are really sticking out the most in my mind. Some of them I already knew, but definitely don't always practice and really needed to hear them again.

*I am not the Holy Spirit in my husband's life and nagging him doesn't bring him closer to the Lord.=)

*My husband should be my first priority, even over my kids.

*I don't need to vocalize everytime I become offended.(this is super hard for me....but, not everything is worth fighting over and the sooner I learn this....the less arguing there will be)

*Seek forgiveness, not apologies.

*I do not need to walk away from the weekend expecting a perfect marriage, or family, I need to just live MY own life in a way thats pleasing to the Lord. If I do this...everything else will be ok.

*Forgive offenses....God has forgiven me billions more time than He will ever ask me to forgive. Lack of forgiveness creates bitterness in a person's life and is sinful. They actually told a story about a man that reunited with his wife after her imprisonement for soliciting someone to murder him. If he can forgive that...we can forgive anything.

*Love my husband, cover him with blessing

*It takes just as much blood to cover my sins as it does to cover the sins of a mass murderer. (not marriage related...but equally great)

*There are lots of people wanting to date my spouse...I should date him before someone else tries to.

*Every 28 seconds someone divorces.

*I am not responsible for my husbands behavior or choices...I am however responsible for my own.

I really feel encouraged by our weekend together. I feel like there are so many things I need to work on. I need to spend more time loving him and less time criticizing. His relationship with the Lord, or anyone else's for that matter, is not my responsibility and who am I to judge him. My critical spirit definitely wasnt driving him in God's direction.
What I did learn this weekend is that I ADORE him and we have so much fun together. He makes me laugh like noone else in my life. We have created history together, and four beautiful children, and its takes such a long time to build that. I want to work at it and make it right. I don't want to coexist. I want us to love being together. To be best friends again. We promised each other today that we were going to start fresh and be more encouraging toward one another. Its not going to be perfect, because we aren't perfect, but it can be great, and fun, and thats ultimately what we desire. God meant for this to be great...and thats what I want.
And so begins a new chapter..... So Stay Tuned!!!

Funny

So, I sit here....on a weightloss mission...blogging with a coke and a bite of cookie dough=) I am really on track today. Funny thing happened this afternoon/evening. Allie got in my car after school and was really upset saying that she had really been itching...on her butt actually...and her legs. I said ok, as I drove on being distracted by three other children in the car, all making noises at the same time. I got home, after a fun trip with four kids to walmart and started making dinner. She wondered off with the gameboy...then it was time for me to leave for school. I drove to school, for a test actually. We got there and were all sitting there waiting on our teacher. He's never late. Finally 15 minutes in...one of the girls checks webmail...sure enough, late in the afternoon he sent an email that class was cancelled. I drove home and made it in time to feed my kids dinner and get everyone tucked into bed. Allie started telling me she was itching again. I followed her to the bathroom and was shocked to see little red pimple looking bumps all over her body...her feet, legs, butt, tummy, arms, shoulders, neck, face, and mouth! We instantly looked up chicken pox. Too be completely honest...I'm not sure she's had the vaccine. I know Bella has...not sure about Allie or Emma. So, I gave her a bath and let her lay in my bed a while=) Not sure what it is....potentially the dreaded chicken pox. I guess the morning will tell...if the bumps have changed to blisters. Maybe its just a virus. But, the poor kid missed her first field trip thanks to strep throat and tomm is her halloween party and of course trick or treating. If things aren't obvious come morning...back to the doctor we will go. Gotta love kids and their sickness!!! Goodnight All!!!

On a brighter note....

Here's the light in my life!!! I adore them!

Defeated

So, i'm up and its 2:23 in the morning. Besides feeling sick...which I am, I am struggling today with guilt in my life. That is something that I have REALLY battled in my past and overcome and I don't want to go back to. I find myself actually feeling a little panicky about it and what does this mean about my faith and my place in my journey. And then, I pray and God reminds me that my sin is gone and that the guilt should be too. I don't want to feel guilty and I want to stand strong in my belief that I am forgiven. But, life is so painful for me when I see people suffering that want something so bad that they can't have. I gave up something people struggle their whole lives and never get the joy of experiencing and for me that is so painful. I think my sensitivity to this is going to be in my ministry somewhere, but for right now...I need to have power over it. I need to feel compassion without feeling broken and defeated. I know I'm not defeated...but sometimes I definitely feel that way. I am thrilled that I have an outlet and am thrilled that I am writing on here. Its therapeutic and I think in some sense it might make me accountable. Lord, Please help me to continuously forgive myself and know that you will direct my hurt for others in a way that will show Your love.

SICKNESS

This entry is full of me whining about my life, so if you don't like to hear whining...don't read it!Ok, so my children have been sick going on three weeks now. Actually, almost three and a half! It started as strep throat and by the end of the first week, all FOUR of my children had it. Then, after antibiotics were up....it was back and we had to take them back into the doctor...for more antibiotics. Then, last saturday, we thought Bella was having strep issues again, (she was), but she also had hand, foot, and mouth disease, on top of another positive strep test. This was AWFUL. She had about twenty sore's in her mouth and didn't eat, or drink really, for days. She lost 4 pounds. It really was a nightmare! On a good note,we think she is starting to do so much better. Next, Allie gets home from school this past thursday and is a little funky. She tells me she doesn't feel well. But, she also was really grossed out b/c a little girl in her class threw up at school. Allie is petrified of throwing up...for herself or anyone else. She didn't eat her lunch on thursday b/c her lunch box was in the classroom and Carly(the sick girl) was also in the class room. SO, of course, b/c of that her lunchbox and its contents have throw up germs. The kid literally chose not to eat all day because of this. So, I thought her feeling bad was in her head. We assured her she is fine and sent her to bed that night. Besides, by now I am in complete rebelllion and am POSITIVE that there is so way that we will actually get a stomach virus in our house after two full weeks of constant strep. Then, I am awakened at 3 am by my sweet little germ freak and she IS throwing up!!! The kid got the germs after denying herself food all day. Are you kidding me right now??? How could we possibly have this much sickness going on in our house. So, I made the lovely phone call for the thousandth time in two weeks to report her absence to the office at school. And I went ahead and kept Emma home. I was up all night with Allie. I wasn't about to load my kids in my car to get Emma to preschool. We spent all of friday watching her sleep and throw up. Then, today comes and she is still pretty sick, but not throwing up anymore. Just having a fever and hurting all over. Then, she also lets me know that her throat is killing her. I look in her mouth...it still looks pretty gross. Then, my lovely husband comes in and tells me that his throat is hurting him too...I check his and its pretty equally gross. I send them, together, to the urgent care and they come home with a negative strep test and no hope for me. The doctor there has no idea about this crazy strep we have going on. We've had negative tests...only to go back in two days and get a positive one. Plus every time we go to the doctor, (each kids has been at lesat twice...some three times, and now Alex has been once), its cost me $15 each! Plus, prescriptions..(each kid has been on two...plus a magic mouthwash=)) its been an average of about $25! We are broke. We really are. By this evening...my husband and my sweet daughter have been in bed and are both pretty miserable. I went into my bed to check on Allie and found my sweet girl with a washcloth on her face and I had to take a picture! She's too cute! She was sound asleep like this. Please pray that this will come to an end VERY VERY soon and that noone else will have strep, hand, foot, and mouth, or the stomach virus. I am broke and SO TIRED!!! And tired of doing laundry and buying new toothbrushes to control the germs!!!

Redemption

I was speaking with a friend a few months ago about my past mistakes, hurts, and lessons learned. I was sharing with her the importance I feel that shared experience has on the impacting of young lives. I was basically telling her how I feel like teenagers need to be educated not only on the effects of your choices on short term consequences, but also on the long term ones.
I gave my testimony at a ladies retreat for my old church in Illinois. I stood in front of ninety-five women and poured my garbage out before them and talked about the grace and forgiveness I have found on my disastrous path. It was empowering and I really wanted to put myself out there to help people. However, I would later come to realize that the retreat and my testimony was more healing for me than it could have probably ever been for anybody else. It truly freed me. The truth about my life was no longer hidden in the depths of my shame. I was encouraged, but this did not give me the fullfillment of my passion I was seeking to obtain. I knew that there had to be more.
After praying and searching my heart, I realized that my passion lies in the hearts of young broken teenagers. Girls that are either at a fork in the road and need to make a choice, or the ones that have already made the choice and are broken for it. I would love to help shape the life of a young girl toward the better, by allowing myself to be vulnerable before her. My mistakes are shameful and they are something that I have hidden for quite some time. But, I finally feel myself coming full circle. I want to tell my story to show teenagers that their choices can impact their lives more than they can ever comprehend. I want to lead them through my broken journey.
I also really want to be there for the young girl that has already made bad and hurtful choices and show her that it's never to late to change your lifestyle and choose purity. Too many times I think that teenage girls think that they are already tainted and they continue on down a path of self destruction and devastation.
A couple of weeks ago I was talking with a different friend about how I go about sharing my life with young people. I was asking him...where do I start? He is a youth pastor at a church in North Carolina. The timing was a coincedence. He was reading an article on teen pregnancy and had just spoken with one of the other youth leaders about their girls retreats.
He has connected me with these ladies and I am now working on the possibility of sharing my life with a large group of high school and junior high girls in february. I pray that these girls will be receptive towards what I have to say and that they will be able to see at least a small part of themselves in where I have come from. I feel as though the redemption of my CHOSEN tragedy has finally begun!!!

Here Goes!

Well, I did it. I created my own blog. I have been journaling during my english class and actually loving it. Then, I decided....I should start blogging. I will put myself out there for anyone who's interested! Stay tuned!